your ambiguity is a stomachache, and i bite the insides of my mouth until i'm bleeding and raw. words tangle up in my mind like on the pages of a thesaurus, yet i still can't define anything that comes out of your head. i write in choppy choppy blocks that leave me with nothing but rotting thoughts, and nonsensical images flicker behind my eyelids when i blink... how hard would it be to have the final word?

i feel antsy. my bones are cold underneath my skin. the clock is ticking, quiet reminders of my mortality. i often sit and silently despise the great philosophers for thinking my thoughts. how inconsiderate they must have been for documenting the assessments that i surely thought first. i hate being conventional.

what a waste of money i have been. i despise the concept of waste yet here i am, essentially killing time, waiting ever so impatiently to decide if it's worth the effort.

these thoughts crowd my mind until the world around me is so saturated that i need to close my eyes. diary of an insomniac.

how many nights we can count, nights when we were tangled up like sea creatures: octopus/octopus, too many limbs, and never enough time for each one. i could have spent hours tracing your blueish veins with the tip of my tongue, finding patterns in the dark that painted beautiful pictures. the velvety darkness was laced with my curiosity, impish fingers tickling their way around mazes under the sheets. the hourglass tended to empty itself with an urgency so very reflective of the clocks ticking in your eyes, second-by-second slipping by as if they were whispers. there was some sort of insatiable longing in both of our stomachs, reverberating through every nerve. i could feel heat from my fingertips melting your skin, warming the parts that always left without a goodbye.

i believe in memories that get stuck in my throat, daydreams that make me cry. i no longer believe in accidents.

i got a job... FINALLY! i love being a nanny. here is how i'm going to use my first paycheck.

• GYM MEMBERSHIP
• 12-month payment plan for a new laptop
• pay lindsay the $230 i owe her
• disneyland annual pass
• deposit for winter cabin trip

i am so happy i could explode. on top of having a new job (starting monday), THE FEST 8 was rad. seriously awesome.