go here, instead.

bye.

your ambiguity is a stomachache, and i bite the insides of my mouth until i'm bleeding and raw. words tangle up in my mind like on the pages of a thesaurus, yet i still can't define anything that comes out of your head. i write in choppy choppy blocks that leave me with nothing but rotting thoughts, and nonsensical images flicker behind my eyelids when i blink... how hard would it be to have the final word?

i feel antsy. my bones are cold underneath my skin. the clock is ticking, quiet reminders of my mortality. i often sit and silently despise the great philosophers for thinking my thoughts. how inconsiderate they must have been for documenting the assessments that i surely thought first. i hate being conventional.

what a waste of money i have been. i despise the concept of waste yet here i am, essentially killing time, waiting ever so impatiently to decide if it's worth the effort.

these thoughts crowd my mind until the world around me is so saturated that i need to close my eyes. diary of an insomniac.

how many nights we can count, nights when we were tangled up like sea creatures: octopus/octopus, too many limbs, and never enough time for each one. i could have spent hours tracing your blueish veins with the tip of my tongue, finding patterns in the dark that painted beautiful pictures. the velvety darkness was laced with my curiosity, impish fingers tickling their way around mazes under the sheets. the hourglass tended to empty itself with an urgency so very reflective of the clocks ticking in your eyes, second-by-second slipping by as if they were whispers. there was some sort of insatiable longing in both of our stomachs, reverberating through every nerve. i could feel heat from my fingertips melting your skin, warming the parts that always left without a goodbye.

i believe in memories that get stuck in my throat, daydreams that make me cry. i no longer believe in accidents.

i got a job... FINALLY! i love being a nanny. here is how i'm going to use my first paycheck.

• GYM MEMBERSHIP
• 12-month payment plan for a new laptop
• pay lindsay the $230 i owe her
• disneyland annual pass
• deposit for winter cabin trip

i am so happy i could explode. on top of having a new job (starting monday), THE FEST 8 was rad. seriously awesome.

i hate airplanes. i hate the recycled air, the cramped seats, the weird smells, and most of all, i HATE flying. taking off is the worst, followed by any turbulence experienced throughout the flight. i don't particularly mind landing, because i know that the flight is almost over. i was reading about the fear of flying, and here are some of the causes:

The fear of flying may be created by various other phobias and fears:

• a fear of closed in spaces (claustrophobia), such as that of an aircraft cabin
• a fear of heights (acrophobia)
• a feeling of not being in control
• fear of vomiting, motion sickness can make the person vomit, thus making flying hard.
• fear of having panic attacks in certain places, where escape would be difficult and/or embarrassing (agoraphobia)
• fear of hijacking or terrorism
• fear of turbulence
• fear of flying over water or night flying
• fear of crashing resulting in injury or death
• the result of hormone release during pregnancy ^[3]
• the result of difficulty with the regulation of emotion when not in control due to developmental issues ^[4]

i can safely say that i am afraid of about eight of the eleven things listed. i'm not sure why i even bothered reading- now i just feel like i'm nuts.

anyway, here's to a long night of flying.

i think tom waits may be one of my very favorite lyricists of all time. he is absolutely amazing in every way and i adore him and would be ecstatic if i could sit and have coffee with him. listen to the spoken word track on "orphans: bastards" called "missing my son" and let me know what you think. as a matter of fact, i'll send it to you if you want to listen.

today was nice. i enjoy being able to say that sometimes.

you treat me like shit, i throw you out of my life. simple.
i regret drunkenly apologizing for NOTHING just to smooth things over (i am a repeat offender- i have done this numerous times). i take it back, and i'm over it. no cares.

going to sleep before 3 a.m. would probably be nice once in a while.

think of all the things that are wrong with your life and then fix them
think of all the things that you love about your life, be thankful you are blessed with them
think of all the things that hold you back and realize that you don't need them
think of all the mistakes you have made in your life, make sure that you never repeat them.

last night i dreamt of old lovers, spent the afternoon daydreaming about newer lovers. i hate reminiscing, because it always ends up feeling like cold feet and headaches.